64 of the funniest ever quotes from Seinfeld

By Alex Nelson
Monday, 14th May 2018, 10:55 am
Updated Wednesday, 4th December 2019, 4:19 pm

Today (14 May) marks 20 years since the curtain finally came down on the seminal sitcom Seinfeld.

Created by comedian Jerry Seinfeld and writer Larry David - also justly famed for Curb Your Enthusiasm - the exploits of Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer featured now infamous acerbic humour, awkward scrapes and astute social observations.

Here are 64 of the greatest quotes from a show that introduced us to "low-talkers", "re-gifting" and "double dipping"

"You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'" - Jerry

"I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning." - George

George: "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"Jerry: "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

George, on women wanting 'bad boys': "Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"

"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over." - Jerry

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"You know, I got a great idea for a cologne. 'The Beach'. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach." - Kramer

George: "You’re gonna over-dry your laundry."Jerry: "You can’t over-dry."George: "Why not?"Jerry: "Same reason you can’t over-wet."

Jerry, on bad food choices: "Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters."

George: "She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’"Jerry: "Ugh. The four worst words in the English language."George: "That or ‘Whose bra is this?’"Jerry: "That’s worse."

Jerry, on public displays of affection: "People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public."

George: "I gotta call Elaine."Jerry: "She’s out."George: "Oh, yeah. The blind date."Jerry: "They call it a 'setup', now. I guess the blind people don’t like being associated with all those losers."

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"Moles — freckles' ugly cousin." - Kramer

"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every walk of life, be it something to wear, something to eat… it's all been wrong." - George

Kramer: "You’re wasting your life."George: "I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I’m living my life."Kramer: "OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"George: "No."Kramer: "You got money?"George: "No."Kramer: "Do you have any action at all?"George: "No."Kramer: "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"George: "I like to get the Daily News."

Jerry: "This isn’t a good time."Telemarketer: "When would be a good time to call back, sir?"Jerry: "I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?"Telemarketer: "Umm, we’re not allowed to do that."Jerry: "Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home. Well, now you know how I feel."

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals." - Jerry

Kramer, on male self-pleasure: "We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh… shaving."

"I've never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting." - George

"Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?" - Jerry

"I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was brought up." - George

Kramer, on cultural differences: "See, here, you're just another apple, but in Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there."

"Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?" - George

"What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses—like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?" - Jerry

"Can you die from an odour? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odour?" - Elaine

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you ask his ex-girlfriend out?" - Jerry

"What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything." - George

"You're giving me the ‘it's not you, it's me’ routine? I invented ‘it's not you, it's me.’ Nobody tells me it's them not me; if it's anybody, it's me." - George

"I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is: if you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe." - Jerry

"That's the bra I gave her, she's wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She's a menace to society." - Elaine

"Hey! What's the deal with decaf? How do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?" - Jeannie

"I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe." - Kramer

"A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant." - George

"Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know." - George

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the papayas!" - Kramer

"Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?" - George

"I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her." - George

"Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?" - Jerry

"You know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables!" - Kramer

"Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only a snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like that." - Puddy

"What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?" - Jerry

"All of a sudden it hit me, I realised what the problem is: I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It's too much. It's too much, I can't take it. I can't take it…" - Jerry

"Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theatre world." - Kramer

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?" - Jerry

"What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room." - Jerry

"You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?" - George

"What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there." - Jerry

"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up." - George

"I love the name ‘Isosceles.’ If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer." - Kramer

"Boxers! How do you wear these things!! They're baggin' up, they're rising in! And there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!" - Kramer

"Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!" - George

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for 40 years with that dry air. You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit?" - George

"She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?" - Kramer

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with sweatpants? You're telling the world: ‘I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’" - Jerry

"I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?" - George

"I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you." - George

"Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel..." - Newman

"I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?" - George

"Hey! So what's the deal with brunch? I mean that if it's a combination of breakfast and lunch, how comes there's no ‘lupper’ or no ‘linner’?" - Jeannie

(Photo: Sony Pictures Television)

"You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip — just take one dip and end it." - Timmy

George on the benefits of mental institutions: "I should be in a place like this. You get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it, it's good. Plus, they give you those word association tests. I love those."

"What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene." - Elaine

"I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean." - Jerry

"I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day." - George

"I'm not stable?! I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds?" - George

• Have your say on the latest TV and film with Screen Babble, the television discussion group on Facebook

Originally published on our sister site, iNews

More funny quotes:

... and some jokes: