Rogers Rants: Onesie thing is for certain - end this terrible fad

George Dawes aka Matt Lucas.
George Dawes aka Matt Lucas.

LAST week my rant ended somewhat prematurely.

I was relating how my 1980s fashion sense had been eroded by wearing old folk’s stuff like long johns and slippers.

Due to a technical glitch, the column ended in a somewhat pregnant pause. I said:

“These days I’d rather be a warm un than a cold un . But I..”

I was going to add: “I draw the line at wearing a onesie”.

A onesie, for the uninitiated is the latest must have fashion phenomenom. It’s a one-piece garment like a baby’s romper suit.

Sadly the fashion gurus have deemed that these are now suitable for adult men and women to wear.

I reckon the onesie is the final masterstroke of a covert black ops masterplan for infantilising the nation.

These infernal contraptions are flooding clothes shops in an expanding kaleidoscope of ever more dignity-defying depravity.

Who on earth though it was appropriate for an item designed for bairns to do their number onesies and twosies in to be worn by blokes?

The names attributed to this kiddified kit previously only available (I am assured) on specialist websites, or worn by the pink bald spoof-drummer George Dawes on Shooting Stars, tells you all you need to know.

Grown men are at this moment actually wearing babygrow all in one pyjama sleepsuits in rainbow stripes or flirty wardrobe one piece jump suits. Some have Aztec stripes.

You can have them in fleece, plain or American Flag - hooded, or an Hello Kitty Bow snuggle suit, in bright primary colours or a humorous fancy dress monkey suit.

You can have them in funzie retro stripes, polka dots or cupcake motifs.

Never in the field of human clothing has such an appalling garment been presented in such a myriad of combinations.

I’m told that the master politician Nick Clegg has one.

But despite even this top-level endorsement I would rather have a leg off than don one myself.

I wouldn’t mind betting it won’t be long before, like the ubiquitous tracksuits and trainers which are worn in public places only by people who take no active role in sporting activity, these monstrosities will become the uniform of the gormless multitudes who spend their days with crimson faces drunkenly shouting and bawling at each other in the street.

Some folk are already being rightly banned from going to supermarkets in their pyjamas.

If onesies become acceptable forms of outdoor clothing we can wave a Telly Tubbies bye bye to the last vestiges of civilisation we are clinging on to and any hope of making a stand to end this downward spiralling race to the bottom we are all being coerced into

It really is that bad. I would urge right thinking members of the public to give them a wide berth. They’re just wrong.