Lining your pockets and pocket linings

Ballpoint pen
Ballpoint pen

For the past month I have been boring anyone with the misfortune to be within earshot with boasts about my new double glazing.

This week the workmen arrived and installed it all, just in time before the sub Arctic conditions promised on the front page of the Daily Express finally come blasting in.

It’s like living in a new house and hopefully the days of watching the telly from the confines of a sleeping bag, woolly cap and goggles will be a thing of the past.

In other news, a friend of mine has bought a new car and another is planning a long awaited family trip to Australia.

So the economy is recovering and happy days are here again and we’re moving into the warm sunny uplands again?

No - it’s because a bunch of former debt ridden students have claimed some PPI back.

Apparently the banks have earmarked £8 BILLION to pay out in what is probably the biggest and loveliest goodwill gesture in history.

But let’s not forget that the wonderful windfalls which are propping up our Christmases and keeping the payday loan sharks at bay are being paid out as a result of what I personally would describe as fraud.

The fact that mis-selling of personal protection insurance alone went on for decades is a national disgrace. The Government is proposing 10 year sentences for some benefit fraudsters. Yet the PPI debacle, which dwarfs dole dishonesty by several orders of magnitude has pretty much been swept under the carpet.

Did the people in charge of departments encourage and train their staff to do this mis-selling?

I’m not aware of any arrests being made. Things like Laws and jails and punishment are only for the little people, not for the tapeworms in the financial sector.

If my moaning about the iniquities of being paid back large sums of cash is making your eyes glaze over, there is another subject which has been exercising my imagination of late.

How is it possible to get ball point pens settling in the lining at the bottom of your sports jacket, when there is not a single hole in your pockets?

I have got three pens nestling there now and I am at a loss to explain how they arrived, as if by osmosis.

Unless I fillet the seams or employ keyhole surgery they are lost forever. I suppose the solution is to use those wide-barrelled pens with a girth larger than any possible pocket aperture.

But these are uncomfortable to write with and virtually impossible for accurate short hand notes.

Actually this could explain why ordinary pens go missing after a few days, yet those big fat promotional monstrosities are always to hand on the office desk.