"Everyone hates you:" Doncaster town centre pub issues fun warning rules to "awful, non-drinkers" this Christmas
A Doncaster town centre pub has told "non-drinkers" who "don't go near a pub for 11 months of the year" how not to be "awful" this Christmas.
The Stag Inn has issued a tongue-in-cheek set of rules and regulations for casual drinkers planning to pop in for a pint this Christmas.
In a light-hearted message on the pub's Facebook page, landlord Terry Oates posted: "Please, please do not read this if you are easily offended, but we have a few rules this Christmas.
"It’s that festive time of year when decent, honest boozers are plagued by non-drinkers.
"And not real non-drinkers, not people who don’t ever drink, they’re fine. We’re talking about people who don’t go near a pub for 11 months out of the year, the kind of awful human beings who buy their beer from supermarkets with the weekly shop, people who consume such a laughable quantity of alcohol that they can only be designated as “non-drinkers”.
"Whether it’s the Christmas work’s do or a festive drink with friends, you are ruining pubs for the rest of us. Everyone hates you. Every actual drinker in the pub hates you and all the serving staff hate you. You’re awful."
The post for the pub in Dockin Hill Road then goes on to warn against customers approaching the bar until they know what they want, avoiding drinking from an early hour, buying in rounds and not asking for preferential treatment.
The post adds: "Make a decision first, then go to the bar and order what you’ve selected. Just like ANY OTHER FORM OF COMMERCE!
"Don't start drinking at 4pm. You’re NOT a drinker. We haven’t seen you all year. You’re an amateur, so don’t start out with a marathon. This is why you’re puking and crying before nine o’clock at night."
On attracting attention at the bar, the post reads: "Newsflash: You are NOT next. You might have been in the bar queue longer than anybody else, but that doesn’t mean you’re next. Do you know why? Because there are no "Official Rules Of Queueing At The Bar."
"The bartender is 100% in charge of who is next. So do not p*** them off. Yes, they can see you. You do not need to bang your change on the top of the bar. You do not need to wave your money around in the air, as if you’re the only person in the room with a tenner.
"You especially do not need to click your fingers like a Parisian cafe p**** or whistle like a shepherd herding his flock. These tactics will only achieve one outcome: no matter how long you’ve been waiting up until this point, you’ve just moved yourself to the back of the queue."
On preferential treatment, the post reads: "If an old bloke sat at the bar gets served before you do, and the bartender knows him by name and even seems to know what he’s drinking before he orders it, just shut the f*** up.
"That’s Wally. Wally drinks here all the time. Wally drinks here five times a week, every week. Wally's custom pays the bills. Wally and the other regulars keep the pub open eleven months of the year whilst you’re having dinner parties and bulk-buying booze from the supermarket. Yes, they get preferential treatment. Accept it and shut the f*** up.
The comic posting finishes with the wording: "See you in twelve months, you f****** p*****"