My View, Bill Morrison: Surviving the stress of the supermarket

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I promised to let you know about my annual pilgrimage to the land of strange goings on.

Well here it is, Happy New Year. He has been and so have I – to the supermarket that is, and what a delight that was.

I trudged obediently pushing my trolley with a grand show of enthusiasm – I think not.

As I rounded aisle two into the straight going for the after dinner mints (who eats those things?) I was confronted by two women having a big ding dong, but not merrily, so I paused for a look.

It would appear that the conflict was centred around ‘is it buy one get one free or two for one?’

The skinny woman insisted that a ‘buy one, get one free’ was a better deal.

The other one was a very large and fearsome looking lady but that did not stop me agreeing with her and plumping for the two-for-one option.

You cannot help wondering if they are for real.

Peace was restored in aisle two.

Onwards to the next stage in search of something I’ve never heard off, and she wants me to eat it.

Still I could try it for the benefit of mankind like some sort of experiment.

Never should have gone round that corner – there was a crowd big enough to make Doncaster Rovers feel like champions. No offence, Rovers fans.

At first I thought it must be the second coming and the Christmas thing is real.

I pushed my way to the front.

Well, I was fair disappointed.

I expected to see a little person laid in a crisp box surrounded by lambs and strange men in funny hats bearing gifts.

One strange man had a hat – I think he said his name was Security, well that’s what he kept saying so maybe he wasn’t too sure.

A couple of well-aimed prods soon had me on my way again and we continued to collect things with unpronounceable names to impress her from up the street who is always boasting about the number of alien dishes she has tried and tasted.

Mind you, I have seen her turn green a few times so maybe she is alien herself.

It usually happens to her on Friday night after club bingo.

Having navigated the highway to hell and endured numerous near-death experiences involving crazy trolley drivers we finally arrived at the only sensible place to be, or so I thought, the booze alley.

Great debates were going on all around me.

Couples were having argumentsabout whether aunty Mary liked this gin or that, or which lager uncle Fred liked.

I made her selection and escaped before the prices went up.

Please drink wisely.