9 signs you've lived in Doncaster too long

This is the Arndale Centre - and it will be until your dying day.

This is the Arndale Centre - and it will be until your dying day.

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it's our home town and we love it - but how can you tell if you've lived in Doncaster too long?

Check out our simple guide - and see if you're a true Donny lad or lass!

"Oh yeah, I went in this pub once in Donny. Used to be a church." Said every outsider who has ever had a night out in Doncaster ever.

"Oh yeah, I went in this pub once in Donny. Used to be a church." Said every outsider who has ever had a night out in Doncaster ever.

1. The Frenchgate Centre will always be the Arndale

It hasn’t had the A-name, the name that was lumbered on every northern shopping mall throughout the seventies, for nearly thirty years, but you’ll still steadfastedly call it by the Arndale and none of this new-fangled Frenchagte nonsense. And what’s more, it will always be Gaumont corner, even though where the theatre once stood is now a car park.

2. You’ll have at least one non-Donny friend who knows that there’s a pub in town that used to be a church

Mention Doncaster (sorry, Donny) anywhere else in the country and chances are that someone will pipe up along the lines of: “Oh yeah, had a night out there once. Isn’t there a pub that used to be a church?” Yes, outsider, there is. Its called the Diamond Live Lounge and its on Wood Street. But for generations of Donny pubbers and clubbers it will be forever known as Camelots.

A sight that no-one in Doncaster has seen - ever.

A sight that no-one in Doncaster has seen - ever.

3. You’ve spent most of your adult life waiting at Arksey Crossing

Governments and monarchies can change in the time you’ve spent waiting for the level crossing gates at Arksey to open. It is rumoured that there’s a motorist in a Model T Ford who’s been waiting there since about 1913. “Oh look, that train’s gone now, the gates will open and we’ll be on our merry way.” No chance sunshine. There’s six Virgin Expresses, four coal trains, the Flying Scotsman and Thomas the Tank Engine to come through yet.

4. You don't get fazed anymore that a minor accident in Balby is causing delays in Askern

You're making your way home after a long day at work. The town centre is gridlocked. Wheatley Hall Road is gridlocked. So are Thorne Road, York Road and Balby Road. The reason for this is that someone reversed their Ford Focus into another car six hours ago. You just sigh and sit drumming your fingers to whatever Simon Mayo happens to be playing on Radio 2 and accept you'll be home at 8.45.

Of course there's delays - why wouldn't there be? Someone stalled their Fiat Punto in Moorends this morning.

Of course there's delays - why wouldn't there be? Someone stalled their Fiat Punto in Moorends this morning.

5. You'll take a Liam Neeson style Taken approach to any outsider who criticises Donny. Well, anyone really

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking to slag Donny off, I can tell you you can't do that. And I have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stop slagging Doncaster off now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

6. You'll get overly excited about the opening of a new bar or restaurant

Remember the campaign to get a Nando's? For years, Facebook was abuzz getting the national chain to open up in Doncaster. When we get something new, then it's a talking point. You can't see people who live in Leeds celebrating a Subway opening can you? Round here, its a reason for celebration.

What did you say about Donny? How dare you!

What did you say about Donny? How dare you!

7. You feel like you know everyone

Us Donny types are friendly folk. Unlike Southern towns, making eye contact and saying hello shouldn't be seen as a threat. That means when you nip out to grab a quick sandwich at lunch, it will take you at least 90 minutes because you'll spend it talking to a bloke who used to live next door to your auntie, some woman called Sandra that used to work with your dad and a bloke you bumped into the pub seven years ago.

8. You never call a Doncaster village by its proper name

Let’s get one thing straight, it must never be referred to as Doncaster, it is strictly Donny - but only those from here can call it so. And while we’re at it, I think you’ll find the correct terminology is Rosso, Edlo, Edo and Kirky, among others. Rossington, Edlington, Edenthorpe and Kirk Sandall? Never heard of ‘em mate.

9. You are allowed to hate where you come from

Whilst in the environs of Donny, you are obliged to slag it off to the hilt. It is law to hate anything and everything about Donny. Your neighbouring village will be your sworn enemy. You might even hate the next street with an unbridled passion. But if you venture outside the the town, you’ll defend with an intensity similar to Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Especially to southerners, who don’t get our northern ways.

Correct procedure for spotting the arrival of this is to take to Facebook, tag your friend and post "OMG!!!! We HAVE to go here!!!!"

Correct procedure for spotting the arrival of this is to take to Facebook, tag your friend and post "OMG!!!! We HAVE to go here!!!!"

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